I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
