Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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