I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
