I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize