Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
