my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
