nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
