just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
