I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
