You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
