Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
