Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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