Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
