Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
