If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
