How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
