your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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