I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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