Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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