i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
