I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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