pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
