i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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