Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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