i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
