I want you more than these girls want KFC
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
