I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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