Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I have demons in me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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