We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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