We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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