I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
