ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
