That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
