roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
