I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
