Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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