Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
