Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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