1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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