Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
