Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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