I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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