good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
