So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
