I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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