The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
