There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
