just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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