I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
