Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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