apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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