Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
