Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
