I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
