Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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