When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
