party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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