she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
